An Exhaustive List of Everyone Trump is Considering for a Pardon

Donald Trump Jr.: The President is contemplating a pardon for all of his adult children (except Tiffany) due to their involvement in his administration, but Don Jr. is at the top of the list due to his meeting with Russian assets to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, his correspondence with Julian Assange and WikiLeaks, and his weak chin.

Ivanka Trump: While it was revealed by the New York Times that Ivanka receives almost $750,000 as a consultant from the Trump Organization while simultaneously being an employee (a big no-no for the IRS), Ivanka has managed to steer clear of scandals over the last four years. The pardon is supposedly for the “evil things” Ivanka makes the president think and feel.

Juan Pablo Galavis: A pardon has been in the works for Galavis ever since the finale of his season of The Bachelor in 2014. “He’s a great man. He loves beautiful blonde women like Ivanka. What’s wrong with that?”

Rudolph Giuliani: Rudy Giuliani is in hot water with the president for not being able to overturn the result of the 2020 elections in court and is currently seeking a pardon for disappointing the president, which aides have repeatedly told him is not an actual crime.

Jon P. Dalton (aka Jonny Fairplay): In 2003, Dalton gained notoriety for lying about his dead grandmother in order to win the seventh season of the popular reality show Survivor. As a fellow reality star, the president has decided that Dalton has suffered long enough and deserves to have his reputation cleansed.

Nickleback: Trump was heavily considering pardoning the band Nickleback for their 2006 song “If Everyone Cared” until he realized that they were a Canadian band. He is now demanding the death penalty.

Eric Trump: Eric is supposedly seeking a pardon for being born. Trump is not expected to grant this one.

Mel Gibson: This is probably the one Trump is most angry about. According to Trump, Gibson is in trouble because, “He loves Jesus too much. Not in a gay way, but still a lot. And Antifa doesn’t like that. They just love throwing soup and being gay.”

Everyone who worked on the Star Wars prequels: These are Donald Trump’s favorite movies and he likes to refer to himself as “a Jar Jar amongst Qui-Gons.”

The vet who put down your childhood pet: Trump refuses to comment on this. He’ll laugh, but he won’t comment.

Jared Kushner: Jared Kushner will reportedly be pardoned for being unable to solve homelessness, the opioid crisis, unrest in the Middle East, North Korea’s nuclear program, the spread of coronavirus, the spread of the administrations coronavirus failures, and not crafting an agreement to make the McRib available year-round.

Joseph Kony: On Sunday Trump “Joseph Kony was the victim of a SMEAR CAMPAIGN by the RADICAL LEFT (Phoney Washington Post) and just wants freedom for his people, including his wives and child soldiers, JUST LIKE YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT (ME [DONALD {TRUMP}])”

Tom Marvolo Riddle (aka Lord Voldemort): Trump has long been an unspoken ally of Death Eaters. Shortly after the attack the Potter residence in Godric’s Hollow in 1981, Trump told reporters that he believed Lord Voldemort was acting in self-defense because a prophecy said that “either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.”

Teka$hi 6ix9ine: Trump doesn’t know what crimes the rapper has commited, but upon being told his name had 69 in it, Trump reportedly said, “Nice.”

Logan Paul: Trump: “I think this guy is funny. Did you see his thing at the Japanese suicide forest with the dead body? Hilarious.”

Donáld Supera: This is Donald Trump wearing a fake mustache and doing his Puerto Rico accent.

Chicago improvisor, podcaster, and all around weiner. Listen to my podcast: https://goo.gl/5FXo5e