Buttigieg Sets Agenda for Transportation: “Heterosexuals Must Walk Twice as Fast”

One day after being named President-elect Joe Biden’s nominee for Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg spoke to the nation about his hopes for the department as an openly LGBT candidate. “The role of the Department of Transportation is to get you where you need to go, and fast,” announced Buttigieg. “To do that, heterosexuals have to catch up.”

Biden’s former presidential rival was speaking of the historic nature of heterosexuals to walk significantly slower than their LGBT peers, specifically gay men. On any given night you can find scores of gay men rolling their eyes and impatiently behind heterosexual men and women nonchalantly strolling past bars named The Cockpit or Cattyshack.

“If we could just get heterosexuals to walk at a “gay pace,” then we could save billions in infrastructure,” Buttigieg explained. “Gay men walk at about 75% the speed of an automobile on the highway, while heterosexual men walk slightly slower than the pace of one normal human. If we can get straight men to walk faster on sidewalks, then we won’t have the same number of vehicles degrading our bridges and roads and we can lower our carbon emissions.”

“It’s a win-win,” said Buttigieg.

To accomplish this audacious plan, Buttigieg is expected to roll out several plans, such as subsidizing the sales of iced coffee and Birkenstocks. Other proposals are setting speed minimums on sidewalks and playing Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” loud enough for people to walk to.