Dog/Human Hybrid Disappointed to Learn Date is Not Actually a “Dog Person”

After a week of anticipation, local dog/human hybrid, Muffins Campbell, made his way home after another disappointing date. “I’ve been on so many dates with ‘dog people’ that haven’t worked out,” said Brooks, whimpering slightly. “It’s starting to feel like I’m chasing my tail.”

In 2018, Dr. Hector Lazarine was arrested by federal agents after a raid of his home and personal laboratory under suspicions of animal testing. Lazarine had been trying to combine the DNA of humans and animals and succeeded in creating Mr. Campbell. When asked for comment, Lazarine had this to say, “I CALLED IT MY LABRADOR-ATORY AND I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM A WIFE IF YOU FOOLS HADN’T STOPPED ME!” After a lengthy legal debate, Muffins was granted US citizenship and began what he hoped would be a normal life.

But amidst the pandemic, dating has become anything but normal for many Americans, especially for those whose DNA has been spliced with an animals. Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble have never felt more useful to meet new people and dog/human hybrids online. But Muffins isn’t feeling that spark and is starting to feel like he may just be dog/woman’s best friend.

“I have a great job as an analyst at an investment firm and an awesome apartment near that Wendy’s where I found a burger once,” explained Campbell, “But when it comes to dating? It’s a dog eat dog world, I guess.” Social distancing, mask wearing, restaurant closures have many Americans feeling similar frustrations. “I just want to settle down before I get to be like eight or nine and I’m too old.”

“I know I’m a good boy, but it’s rough out there,” Campbell said. “Rough, rough, rough…”