Hipster Epidemiologist Thinks COVID Variants are “Derivative” and “Uninspired”

When variants of the novel COVID-19 began popping up in the UK and South Africa, scientists around the world sounded alarms. The new strains could be deadlier or, even worse, be immune to the various vaccines being deployed to stop the pandemic. But one epidemiologist in the upcoming Wicker Park neighborhood in Chicago sees things a little differently.

We met with Dr. Elvis Sheehan, M.D. at his state of the art lab and microbrewery on Milwaukee Avenue between a pop up ramen shop and a store called Denim Slut. After a brief tour and tasting of the hoppiest beer I’ve ever tried, Sheehan explained why we shouldn’t worry about the new variants.

“Well, when the first coronavirus came out last year, it got lots of attention,” Sheehan explained. “The first virus was unlike anything I had seen before, which is why I was so excited to be one of the first to study it. Like, even before Fauci.” Sheehan’s Instagram account has several pictures of him at a Wuhan laboratory wearing a Canada Goose jacket, and significantly more pictures of him at the local street market which, he assures me, has the best baozi.

“We spent a lot of time learning to understand the subtle intricacies of the coronavirus and then, just over a year later, it starts releasing variants. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I think these variants are absolutely derivative of the first virus and completely uninspired.” Although scientists are still studying the new viruses, our first impression is that they cause the same COVID-19 symptoms as the original virus.

“Are they deadlier or spread easier? Possibly. I’m just not too interested in studying them,” said Sheehan, after stepping outside to smoke. “It just seems like these variants are banking on the popularity of the first virus and I think that’s sad.”