With No More Elections to Analyze, Steve Kornacki Turns to Harder Drugs

As the polls close in Georgia, America collectively sighs in relief: it’s over. We’ve made it through the elections and we can all relax. That is, except for one man. Steve Kornacki, the now famous MSNBC data analyst that dominated our screens and stole our hearts during the 2020 election. As his time in the spotlight fades, so too diminishes his time at The Big Board and his addiction rears its ugly head.

“At first, you know, I thought it would be just poking around at a giant iPad, but it turned into more than that,” says Kornacki. Before, during, and after the election, Kornacki entertained nervous Americans with interpretation of real-time electoral data from around the country. “One day I’d be talking about mail-in ballots in Georgia, the next I’d be going over racial demographics in Ohio, and then age breakdown in Pennsylvania. It became… well, it is an addiction.” But after the election was called for President-elect Biden on November 7, Kornacki was cut off from The Big Board.

“We’d be trying to pick a spot for dinner and I would present reviews from Yelp, Google, and Trip Advisor in a concise but homey manner to help decide where to go. I helped my family pick the perfect gifts for each other based on Amazon reviews. I’d be out, see someone wearing the same shirt as me, and try to get their real-time reaction to how we looked.”

“It wasn’t enough.”

We caught up with Kornacki under a bridge in the East Village of Manhattan where we found him shooting heroin while wearing the khakis from the night before.

$crunch, as his new friends call him, was very blunt about his drug abuse, gesturing to his left arm which he now affectionately refers to as The Big Board. “If you take a look here, you’ll see some of the sites where I first started slamming horse with my boy DreamKing under the bridge. Big track marks there. But, as we move up the arm, you’ll see that my technique has improved as my angel scratches get smaller and less noticeable.”

When asked if his addiction will hinder ability to return to MSNBC in 2024, Kornacki was very sure of his ability to come back. “Chasing the dragon is nothing compared to parsing voter turnout data in Macomb County. When the call comes, $crunch will be ready to answer the call.”